The Worst Thing in Sports

Hey kids, I'd like to take a few hundred words to sound off on one of the biggest atrocities in sports.  I'm not talking about the DH or 10 P.M. start times. I'm not even talking about the WNBA. No, I'm referring to the worst talking head to currently invade the airwaves and your living rooms: ESPN's Doug Gottlieb. I somehow got a real 8-5 job this summer and every morning I look forward to listening to Mike and Mike on ESPN radio as I drive to work. And every evening I dread the ride home, when I have to listen to Gottlieb yelling at me and repeating phrases like "You can't be a college athlete and a pro at the same time...You can't. You just can't" three times in forty seconds. Well no shit Doug, thanks for the splendid analysis.

A few weeks ago I was driving home and Gottlieb said something so dumb that I almost pooped my pants and crashed my car at the same time. He was angry about some facet of his life (not unusual for him) and tried to call it "an abomination" but, with his limited speaking skills it came out as "that is such an abortion." Realizing his mistake a few seconds later he tried to cover it up by saying "Well, not an abortion in the traditional sense, but, you know, it's bad..." followed by the classic voice trail-off when one doesn't know what one is saying. He ended up attempting to rationalize his abortion analogy for about a minute, then finished his argument with this unmerited, deuche-filled confidence, as if he were Aristotle and just figured out the meaning of life.

Quick tangent: speaking of ESPN people, does anyone else think Jesse Palmer is just a huge bro? First off, the guy's NFL career failed. So he became a contestant on the bachelor. That's not why I think he's kind of a tool; I'm probably just jealous that he got paid to bang random hotties for a month or so. But if you listen to him on the air, he seems like such a bro. Maybe he's actually good at his job, but whenever he speaks I just imagine he's saying something to the tune of this: "Hey man, Carson Palmer is not my brother. Look at my face, bro. Perfect 10. Hair? 11. You think Carson looks like this? That is whack bro. Back when I was collar-popping at the frat, I got my D-stick wet ALL THE TIME."  Fuckin' sick, bro.

Ok, back to Gottlieb being a penis. Here are a few more reasons to loathe him/punch him in the balls if you see him on the street. Ever notice how he seems to rip Notre Dame every chance he gets? And, unlike Mark May, he's not holding a grudge against the school because they fired a terrible coach who preferred playing golf to going to work and who just happened to be black (his name rhymes with Lie Billingham). No, check out this little-known fact: Gottlieb is pissed because he was kicked out of Notre Dame. FOR STEALING CREDIT CARDS. The guy is a criminal. I can't believe he is allowed to be on ESPN. Apparently neither can his coworkers; Gottlieb is incredibly unprofessional, even right on the Sportscenter set. He routinely rips college athletes (a professional no-no) on the air. He'll say things like "This guy is really one of the worst players in the country," which prompts the Sportscenter anchors to stare at him incredulously like they are Mike Myers and Gottlieb is Kanye West. The guy absolutely is in the top five of my mountain list: people who, if the two of us were alone on top of a mountain, I would push off without hesitation. Other mountain-listers include Rich Rodriguez, the aforementioned Mark May, Al Sharpton, and the current State Farm commercial guy.

Anyway, I need a break; I can't think about Gottlieb for this long without starting to get thoughts about wanting to go play in a microwave. I mean, the guy is just such an abortion.