Finally!

As a big LeBron James fan and supporter, the Heat victory last night gave me a feeling of vindication surpassed perhaps only by LeBron’s own similar emotions. His transcendent performance in the playoffs, unlike last year, continued through the Finals – and seemed to be a product of him enjoying winning rather than desperately trying not to lose. The Thunder had no chance after Game 2, when it became clear that LeBron’s play would not mirror that from twelve months ago. Basketball fans, rejoice: Finally, no more “experts” claiming LeBron is not clutch. No more turning on the TV to hear Skip Bayless incessantly and idiotically knocking LeBron at every opportunity (It seriously got to the point where he became so annoying and ridiculous that I began to question my stance on euthanasia). No more haters trying to convince us that, no matter what LeBron does on the court, titles are the only thing that can make a player truly great. This is bogus, by the way, as Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, John Stockton, Karl Malone, and Steve Nash – four Dream Teamers and the best point guard of this millennium – can attest. These are the same haters who point to Kobe as the LeBron antithesis, as the archetypal “winner,” when the fact of the matter is that the last Lakers championship was won in spite of him – it took a Celtics choke job and Pau Gasol’s brilliance to bail Bryant out of one of the most painful game 7 performances in recent memory (6 for 24 shooting, 4 turnovers).

Just as these Bryant fans have attempted to fit facts to pre-existing theories when it comes to Kobe, rather than fit theories to facts, so too have the LeBron bashers hated him with their hearts rather than their brains. Loathe “The Decision” all you want, but it has nothing to do with his skills on the basketball court. But now, none of that matters anymore. LeBron has silenced the doubters and ascended to a new level in the eyes of the basketball-watching world. He has set the stage for an incredible Heat-Thunder rivalry for years to come. He single-handedly forced Jeff van Gundy to change his underwear four times during last night’s game. The haters should be happy – they can finally relinquish their doomed quest to convince us (and themselves) that LeBron is not for real, and can now instead simply enjoy watching the best player of our generation continue to churn out virtuoso performances night after night, season after season.

Given that I just wrote the above, what I am about to say might surprise you: this year’s Finals were about Dwyane Wade. Or, rather, they were about Dwyane Wade because they were NOT about Dwyane Wade (side note: who the shit decided to spell his name like that? Spellcheck is hating me right now). To me, the story of the Heat’s success in this year’s playoffs centered on the fact that Wade finally accepted that he and LeBron are not equals. That made all the difference between last year’s Heat and this year’s team. Last year, even though it was obvious that LeBron was the better player, Wade still viewed himself and his pal as 1 and 1A on the team (in his defense, even LeBron might have viewed things that way as well). This created serious problems, as the two of them never meshed and instead basically took turns being the man on offense. With no clear floor leader, last year’s team had worse chemistry than my second grade science project. Not only did LeBron and Wade not work well together, but Bosh never really found his role on the team and the non-Big 3 players didn’t seem to know whether to trust their basketball instincts or simply get out of the way. But this year, most notably in the playoffs, those problems disappeared. It became obvious that LeBron was the team’s leader and best player – partly because his performance dictated as much, but also because Wade gracefully stepped aside to allow him to become the clear number 1.

For the sake of the team Wade needed to adjust to playing off of LeBron, because, when it comes down to it, the two of them have very similar skill sets – athleticism, running the floor, perimeter defense, attacking the rim, rebounding, and passing – with LeBron being a little bit better in each of these areas. Because of their similarities, they could never complement each other on the court without one of them having the defined leader role. This made Wade’s seamless transition to the Pippen role of the utmost importance, and he played the role beautifully. At times we almost forgot about him because the Heat’s whole game plan was run through LeBron (How many times was the offense run through Wade last night? A handful at most.). He quietly averaged 23 points per game in the finals, rarely forced the action, and was there for big baskets and rebounds when they were needed. He was able to accomplish all of this without taking away from the play of LeBron, which happened all too often last season. Wade is an amazing player; LeBron is a superhuman one. Wade realizing this – and adjusting his game accordingly – allowed the Heat to take what was theirs.  

NBA Playoffs Preview and Predictions

Hey Kids,

Sorry for the tardiness of this post. I know the playoffs have already started, but I've been swamped in work and Dave has been swamped with porn. Anyway, these picks were made before the series' started. Before we get going, I'd like to extend a congratulations to whoever won the WNBA championship. OK, now back to sports - here we go: Tommy with the East preview, and Dave with the West.

Eastern Conference Preview

Ladies and Gentlemen, the NBA Eastern Conference is back. Gone are the days when the Western Conference Finals decided the NBA champion. Gone are the days when a team could have a washed-up Dikembe Mutombo as its second-leading scorer and still make it to the finals (as the Sixers did in 2001). Gone are the days when Eric Dampier’s corpse could be propped up for a playoff run and the team doing so still be taken seriously – actually, I take that last one back. But the point remains: this year, the Eastern Conference is just as strong at the top as its western counterpart, and in fact I fully expect the NBA champion to come out of the East. More on that to come later, but for now here are Manstone’s NBA Playoffs picks for the Eastern Conference:

ROUND ONE

Bulls vs. Pacers

Indiana has about as much chance of winning this series as Tyler Hansborough does at fitting in in Compton. The only chance the Pacers have rests on the admittedly fairly plausible occurrence that Kyle Korver decides to do what all of the other white players in the league have done and joins their team (thus forcing the Bulls to play 4 on 6). I don’t see this happening, however, and assuming all the games are played 5 on 5 I expect the Bulls to sweep.

There are many reasons this will happen, a few of which I will expound upon. One, the Bulls are infinitely better defensively than their opponent. Their team defense is the best in the league – it even gives Keith Bogans an opportunity to do something productive. The Pacers, meanwhile, have way too many white players to be able to guard anybody effectively. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure I could beat Jeff Foster one-on-one. Two, the Bulls are much tougher and have a deeper bench. The toughness began to take shape in the offseason with the installation of intense coach Tom Thibedeau and has continued to build throughout the season. Every player on that team has a gritty playing style, led by the guys at the two most important positions on the court in center Joakim Noah and some point guard named Derrick Rose. The bench guys like Ronnie Brewer, Kurt Thomas and Taj Gibson all give strong, effort-filled minutes when they get their chance. Even Rasual Butler, widely considered the worst player in the league, has had a few good moments. The Pacers, by contrast, are a bunch of pussies. Danny Granger has made the executive decision to not really give a shit and hasn’t stepped foot in the paint since the 08-09 season, preferring to launch long jump shots instead. Speaking of the paint, I think Roy Hibbert is so thin that he could be pushed out of it by one of Noah’s exhalations after a nice bong rip. Three, the Bulls have Derrick Rose. I can’t see anybody on the Pacers being able to guard him; Rose should average 35 in this series. The pick: Bulls win in 4 – you heard it here first.

But don't beat yourselves up too much Pacers fans - at least your team will undoubtedly win the Jimmer sweepstakes in June. 

Heat vs. Sixers

Bibby and House: Roughly
equivalent to Stephen Hawking
and Christopher Reeve in terms
of defensive ability. No matter-
the Heat will still sweep

The Sixers have probably been the best surprise team of the year. Andre Iguodala figured out how to thrive as a defender and a non-volume shooter, Jrue Holiday has emerged as an above- average point guard, and reserves Thaddeus Young, Lou Williams and Evan Turner provide a lot of good minutes off the bench. All in all, they have the makings of a team that can provide Miami with some problems.  

But it won’t matter. The Heat are too good and too battle-tested. They have learned to cope with the fact that Joel Anthony might have to shoot the ball at the basket once every few games (not a pretty sight), and that they stooped low enough to offer Juwan Howard a spot on their bench for the season. They are probably the hungriest team in the league: the Big Three to prove that they aren’t a flop, and everyone else to prove they aren’t just a bunch of misfits who suck at basketball. And while even I could break a Mike Bibby-Eddie House double team, Wade and Lebron are such devastating perimeter defenders that they make up for their teammates' deficiencies. And, they have all kinds of playoff experience on this team, and veteran leadership out the ass - I’ll have to check my sources, but I think Juwan Howard has been in the playoffs a ton of times since he was drafted in 1963. Point is, the Big Three are simply too good. I like the Heat in another sweep.

Celtics vs. Knicks

A lot of folks are calling for the Knicks pull off the upset here. I don’t see it. Yes, I know that in a one-game situation they have enough firepower with Carmelo and Amare to beat anybody. But I don’t think their offense, and certainly not their defense, can hold up for an entire series against a disciplined team. They still haven’t meshed as a group since the Carmelo trade (which I saw as high-risk, high-reward: they had a good thing going and were playing their best basketball in a long time, but if they do figure out how to integrate Carmelo into a team offense rather than his current ball-stopping, one on one game, they will in the long run be better than before the trade). In order to win, the Knicks will need everything to go right for the entire series: they will need to keep Amare out of foul trouble, find an efficient third scoring option, ensure that team managers can find a satisfactory hiding spot for Carmelo’s weed, etc. The list is too long. Plus, you know the Celtics will have their shit together. They’ve been doing this for years. Paul Pierce and Ray Allen can still score, and suddenly Rondo is flying under the radar. People are forgetting that he was an early-season MVP candidate and has played the best basketball of his career in the playoffs. He’ll be ready. I like the Celtics in 6.

Magic vs. Hawks

This is a tough series to pick as I really don’t think either team is that good. However, I think the Hawks are worse, so I’ll go with Orlando. Dwight should dominate down low against the smaller Al Horford and, God help us, Jason Collins. Orlando is the better shooting team, and I like them at least slightly better at every position except small forward (we’re counting Josh Smith as a small forward here). Remember when Joe Johnson used to be good? So do I. It seems like a long-ass time ago. Now I think I’d rather have Jason Richardson on my team for a playoff series. OK, now I’m rambling. The pick: Magic in 7.


CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS


Bulls vs. Magic
Two MVP candidates in Derrick Rose and Dwight Howard go head-to-head. Take Rose and the Bulls in this one - there's a good chance JJ Redick will be guarding Rose for a fair amount of this series. You need to know nothing more. The Pick: Bulls in 6.


Heat vs. Celtics
It's fitting that these two would meet in the playoffs. After all, they were the consensus top two teams in the East going into the season, they had that epic opening-night game in Boston, they have the common bond that comes from mistaking Eddie House for a basketball player and signing him to the team's roster, etc. Two months ago this would have been an incredibly hard series to pick; now, I have no trouble doing so. The Celtics are showing signs of their age (Haven't we been saying this for years? But now it's really happening, I swear) while the Heat are peaking and coming together as a team. I think Boston's playoff savvy and the leadership of the Big 4 will make it a series, but Lebron will be too much to handle. The Pick: Heat in 6.


CONFERENCE FINALS


Bulls vs. Heat 
This should be a great series between the top two seeds in the East. The Bulls epitomize the team-centric, one-star-and-solid-role-players-who-play-defense mold. The Heat on the other hand have shitty role players who don't play defense, but their 2.5 star players have proven incredibly hard to deal with of late: they've won 17 out of 20 heading in to the playoffs. The Bulls swept the regular season, but it seems as if the Heat are the most confident team in the league right now. As hard as it is for me to pick against my team, especially when they're going up against a team whose roster includes Jamal Magloire, Juwan Howard, Eddie House and Mike Bibby, but I've got to. The Pick: Heat in 7.

Western Conference Preview

Spurs vs. Grizzlies

Memphis actually tanked a couple games down the stretch to make sure they got SA in the first round, which was strange at the time, but obviously has worked out with the Griz stealing Game 1 on the road. It also didn’t hurt that Manu Ginobili suffered a gruesome arm injury and missed that game. I actually think Rudy Gay’s season ending injury last month has improved the Grizz, as they’ve become one of the most physical teams in the league since. A Gay being a softie? You don’t say! (I kidd, I kidd). That’s all well and good, but the Spurs are the vastly superior and more experienced team. Even if they don’t get Manu back, I’ll take SA. The Pick: SPURS IN 6

Thunder vs. Nuggets

This should be one of the more competitive first round matchups, as both teams have looked good since making major midseason trades. The Thuggets  (JR Smith and Kenyon Martin=scum of the earth) have one of the best records in the league since shedding Melo, and OKC added a proven playoff center (their biggest hole pre-trade) and cleared up more PT for rising stars Serge “Iblocka lot of shots” (see what I did there?) and James Harden’s beard. Denver might have 8 of the best 11 players in this series, but unfortunately, OKC has the best 2. The Pick: THUNDER IN 7

Mavs vs. Blazers

Everybody seems to be picking Portland in this one, and I tend to agree with them. Dallas is already up 1-0, but to get there it took one of JKidd’s best shooting games in years and some questionable officiating (PORT Coach Nate McMillan got docked 35k for bitching about it). The Blazers have two of the best Nowitzki defenders in the league with Gerald Wallace and Nic Batum, and luckily Andre Miller gets to guard the only point guard in the league slower than him. The Pick: BLAZERS IN 7

Lakers vs. Hornets

New Orleans has already won Game 1 as a write this, and I have to admit, I thought they were going to get swept. Without David West, they have no one who can score unless CP3 spoon feeds them. I actually had to just look up who their starting 2-guard is. Hmmm, it’s Marco Belinelli. Kobe might literally unhinge his mamba jaw and swallow poor Marco whole. The Pick: LAKERS IN 5


CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS

Spurs vs. Thunder

A matchup of the youngest, most exciting team in the league versus the oldest, most decrepit one. It’s like Kid Cudi versus Flavor Flav in a freestyle rap battle (ironically, Tim Duncan only listens to country). Who’s going to guard Durant for SA? Richard Jefferson? Matt Bonner?? I’m not a fan of those matchups. I love ol’ Timmy, but I think a scowling Kendrick Perkins will do a good job on him. With Ginobili’s health still up in the air, I like OKC. The Pick: THUNDER IN 6

Lakers vs. Blazers

Wes Mathews, Batum, and Wallace should do as well on Kobe as anybody, but I can’t see LaMarcus Aldridge’s and Marcus Camby’s skinny asses stopping the massive Laker front line. I mean, If Bynum, Gasol, and Odom were to stack on top of eachother, you’d need a Sherpa to climb to the top! Bazzzzing! Barring the off chance that Brandon Roy knees get holy grail water sprinkled on them and he returns to his all-star ways, I like LA in this series. The Pick: LAKERS IN 6 

CONFERENCE FINALS

Lakers vs. Thunder

Last year an up and coming Thunder team took LA to 6 in the first round, and everyone said they were just a year away. Well, I think they’ll get their chance this year. The Thunder have three quality defensive bigs to match up with the Laker size, and Russell Westbrook will be able to run circles around the human parking cone known as Derek Fisher. I think this will come down to who is the better man between Kobe and Durant (I should say better basketball player. Obviously the rape charge-free Durant is the better man). The problem for Durant is that Ron Artest, who never misses the opportunity to throw a good elbow to your ribs or threaten your family, will be all over him from the opening tip. Kobe, on the other hand, will only have to deal with Thabo Sefolosha and James Harden. I give the edge to Kobe and the Lakers.  

The Pick: LAKERS IN 7

That's all for now. Check back prior to Round 2 for more picks.

NFL Week 1 Highlights

Well, all my rain dancing apparently paid off because football season is upon us once again. In case you were busy Sunday, here's a quick rundown of the day's action:

Chiefs vs. Chargers: Chiefs rookie Dexter McCluster scoots further and further down the bench after offensive coordinator Charlie Weis pulls a leftover honey mustard packet out of his jacket and continually glances at him with that "Quiznos is closed for the night and I'm still hungry" look in his eye. Things only get worse after McCluster scores on a 94-yard punt return and does his celebratory chicken-wing dance.


Colts vs. Texans: Bob Sanders of the Colts decides two quarters of play sounds like just the right amount for the 2010 season, prompting him to tear his own bicep and bringing his career total to 109 minutes played in seven NFL seasons.

Cardinals vs. Rams: The Arizona Cardinals pull off quite a coup, exhuming the corpse of Derek Anderson from a Nashville cemetery on Friday, penciling him as the starter on Saturday, and watching him lead the team to victory on Sunday.

Vikings vs. Saints: Brett Favre's ass looks slightly askew when he arrives at the stadium. When asked what the deal is, Favre responds that his Wranglers "just don't sit right when I'm wearing a diaper."

Dolphins vs. Bills: The Bills' "We're Still Here" campaign for 2010 gets off to a rocky start with this 15-10 snoozer of a loss.

Bears vs. Lions: Calvin Johnson rightfully decides Week 1 is way too early for the Lions' first win of the season. Bears fans rejoice.

Raiders vs. Titans: The Titans running game looks unstoppable, with one of the all-time best runners at his position in at quarterback and the predator monster as the starting running back.

Bengals vs. Patriots: The Patriots' Wes Welker and Tom Brady give white people everywhere hope that they too can succeed in sports.

Giants vs. Panthers: Eli Manning makes a triumphant return from sobbing on the bench for two possessions with the medical diagnosis of "being a pussy" after a few mean fans start the inevitable "Pey-ton's Bet-ter" chant.

Falcons vs. Steelers: Dennis Dixon fills in admirably for Ben Roethlisberger while Roethlisberger fills in a skank in the locker room.

Browns vs. Buccaneers: NFL executives decide to just get this game out of the way and are pleasantly surprised when the Tampa Bay County Nursing Home Annual Field Trip boosts the game's attendance to 83.

Broncos vs. Jaguars: Tim Tebow accidentally loses his virginity while stuck on the bottom of the pile during a scrum for a fumble.

Packers vs. Eagles: Michael Vick escapes the pocket, and home confinement, running for over 100 yards for the ninth time in his career. Unfortunately for the Eagles, as part of Vick's punishment for dog-fighting he is forced to wear an electronic collar that will result in him exploding should he ever cross the goal line.

49ers vs. Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck battles a ferocious pass rush and rapid hair loss in a 31-6 Seattle victory.

Cowboys vs. Redskins: The Cowboys look bored in this sloppy game. Linebacker Demarcus Ware clears things up when he explains that it just isn't that fun to play in a stadium in which you can't even watch a Godzilla-sized version of yourself on instant replays.

Ravens vs. Jets: Despite Rex Ryan eating Ray "chicken fried" Rice during pregame stretching, the Ravens fight for a 10-9 win.

That's about it. Check back Tuesday for Week 2 highlights.

Rule Changes

This past weekend I was at a 21-and-over "Beach Party" with a few friends. The event itself sucked, consisting mostly of 35 to 40 year-old men trying to hit on the young-20s girls we were talking to and then us making awkward jokes about the creeps as they walked away. This happened about eight times. However, the night was not a total loss as it did give me an idea for this post.

One of my buddies usually says some pretty ridiculous stuff after a drink or twelve and this night was no exception. After relieving himself in one of the many blue portable toilets that were set up for the drinkers he returned with this philosophical gem: "What do you think would happen if they crossed Papa John's, Jimmy John's, and Joy Johns?" The rest of us being somewhat inebriated as well, we decided that the only option would be a restaurant called "Papa Jimmy's John" where they make you sit in a bathroom stall and then deliver the food freaky fast to you in there. We all agreed we might be on to something. Needless to say, this idea will probably never come to fruition. The same can be said for the rule changes I am about to propose, but which I am proposing anyway, that I would like to see in the near future.

Football: Eliminate the block in the back penalty

The block in the back penalty is one rule for which I really see no need. You're asking huge, fast guys to brutalize each other most of the game and then to suddenly back off and play touch football when they see another player's back. Ask any football player how hard it is, when the ball is in the open field, to think about not blocking a defender in the back while still clearing a path for the runner. Football is not an easy game, and I'm not recommending the removal of this rule in order to make it so, but try and give me a good reason why we should have the rule. You can't. It's not for health reasons. Being shoved in the back while covered in pads is not nearly as rough on the body as getting tackled from behind  and then laid on top of by a three-hundred pound lineman - which, by the way, is completely legal. Dave actually disagrees with me on this rule change and thought I should leave it out of this post. His words: "The reason the block in the back is illegal is because it is so advantageous that it borders on being unfair." But, as I normally do when he gives advice, I took a page out of The Chris Brown Book of Life and slapped away his suggestion. I don't see how blocking in the back gives the offense an unfair advantage - that would mean that the offense can do something that is prohibited for the defense. But this is not so. Most penalties on offense have a counterpart penalty for the defense (false start vs. offsides, holding on offense and holding on defense, etc.), but blocking in the back has no such defensive counterpart. And after all, defenses are allowed to blitz from the quarterback's blind side where he can't see the blitz coming. Should we make the defense tell the quarterback before the snap where the blitz will come from? "Shit no," you say. I agree.

Another reason to do away with the penalty is because it makes the game less exciting. What is the most breathtaking play in football? The kickoff/punt return for a touchdown. But what's the first thing we do after our team has just taken a kick back for a touchdown (besides possibly wetting ourselves if the game was particularly close)? We scan the field for flags to make sure the play will stand. Roughly half of all kicks returned for touchdowns are called back for questionable block in the back penalties, which leads me to another point: it's a hard fucking penalty to call. Considering the speed of the game, a lot of times it is impossible for the referee to judge whether a block was thrown into a player's side or his back, while other times obvious blocks in the back are outside the referee's field of vision and no flag is thrown. This leads to bad, subjective, largely guessed penalties being called and others that should have been flagged going uncalled.

How 'bout we allow ourselves to get on the same page by taking the penalty out of the rule book? The game would be more fairly officiated and more big plays would occur, creating a more exciting product on the field. We've all been conditioned to believe that the block in the back must be unfair because it is considered illegal, but we've never really thought about WHY it should be illegal. There are a lot of dumb laws out there that nobody has a problem breaking, or with other people breaking, but if you get caught there is still a penalty simply because the action is classified by the government as illegal. Wouldn't we be better off if they were just legalized? If you need any more proof as to why the block in the back penalty is bogus, check out this clip from the 1990 Orange Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Colorado. A bad call (watch around the 40-second mark several times and you'll see it clearly was a block in the side) took away what should have been one of the most exciting single plays in college football history. I rest my case.




WNBA: No female players may be used during quarters one through four

After all, shouldn't they be more worried about periods (hehe...get it?) than quarters? And the seconds left on the oven timer rather than the shot clock?

Golf: Revamping the playoff hole

We've all seen it: an incredible finish to a tournament leads to an improbable playoff and then...the playoff hole is the most boring of the day. One guy slices his drive into the trees and its over. Not exactly an orgasmic finish, is it? Luckily I have a solution. In fact, I have two.

Solution 1: Everyone enjoys golf more when they've been drinking, so why not allow the pros to have some fun too? Here's how it would work: The number of final-day birdies for each player participating in the playoff is tallied up, and their opponent has to take that many shots of whiskey and then wait that many minutes before teeing off on the playoff hole. So if  Phil and Tiger are in a playoff and Phil had eight birdies in the final round while Tiger had only three, Tiger would have to take eight shots and then wait eight minutes to tee off. During these eight minutes the whiskey is kicking in. Phil on the other hand only has to take his three whiskey shots and wait three minutes before he can tee off. Unless he's a complete lightweight he won't even feel anything until he gets to the green. But Tiger would probably be somewhat hammered by the time he hits his first shot and might even be convinced to read out loud some of his text messages to the fans on the tee box (Note: My favorite Tiger text message has to be "No turkey unless it's a club sandwich." I mean, he's got major golf tournaments coming up, about twenty mistresses to hide from his wife in order to keep up his marriage, big decisions to make as to whether he'd rather do the missionary or reverse cowgirl with the porn star tonight, and he's worried about the class of deli meat on his BLT. I'm about 98% sure that text message will be my fantasy football team name this year.)
Things get even more interesting if it's a three-man playoff. In this scenario the two players with the least birdies do basically the same as in the two-man playoff: they give out the same number of shots as birdies scored on the day to each of the other guys. But the guy with the most birdies on the day gets to multiply his birdie total by two, AND he can give this number of shots in any ratio he wants. So if it's Phil, Tiger, and John Daly and Phil has eight birdies, Tiger has three, and John has five, Tiger and John would give out three and five shots, respectively, to the other two guys. But Phil gets to multiply his total by two (8*2=16) and he can give these shots out as he pleases. He can give eight to each, ten to one and six to the other, or, if he wants to, he can screw over Tiger and give him all sixteen. Not that it would matter, of course, as in this playoff format Daly would undoubtedly win one hundred percent of the time, go down as the greatest playoff-hole golfer in history, and might actually finish more sober than after a normal round.


                                                                                                                                                



  
Solution 2: We'll call this second solution "Ragolo" (a shorter version of "Rampage Golf Polo"). A bit more radical than the first solution but it could be even more entertaining. The playoff would involve getting rid of the caddies and replacing them with golf carts, and players would tee off at the exact same time. Then comes the real change: the hole is not won by the player who finishes with the least strokes; in fact, strokes would not even be recorded. Rather, the hole would be a race and the first player to get the ball in the hole wins. The only rules would be that the ball can only be advanced when struck with a legit golf club, and there can be no touching of the other player's ball. Beyond that anything goes: Tearing down the course in a cart at thirty miles an hour, slapping the ball forward like Ralph Lauren? Sure. Tiger ramming Phil with his cart in his quest for the hole (we all know how much Tiger wants the hole)? All the time. I think it'd be great. For a real treat we could combine Ragolo with the drinking element of Solution 1. The possibilities are endless. I'm expecting a call from the PGA within a week.

And now a few tidbits from Dave...

The NBA: Institute soccer's "advantage" rule

Rather than someone on D taking a foul to prevent a fast break opportunity or an easy run out, let the refs use a little bit of discretion to judge if it would be more advantageous for the offense if no foul is called. If so, it’s a play-on. Lebron leads the league in “break away dunks that never were” because players are always taking fouls on him around half court that might phase a normal sized human, but Lebron runs through them like Adrian Peterson through an arm-tackle. Who wouldn't want to see more of this? NOTE: the advantage rule should only be employed in fast break and run-out situations, not the halfcourt.

Football: Not a rule change but something I wish they would do more often: downfield laterals

I know when I play football with my friends, I would rather die than be tackled (or two-hand touched, I’m very brittle). So what do I do nearly every time I touch the ball? I lateral it before I get tackled. I’m not saying college and pro players should do this as cavalierly as I do (in traffic, no looks, behind the back), but it drives me crazy when a RB or WR has one man to beat and lets himself be tackled rather than flipping it to a teammate who’s running alongside him. I honestly think Reggie Bush’s boneheaded flip in the National Championship game set this initiative back 20 years, as his was creative, but clearly not the time or place. (VIDEO: skip to 2 minutes… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cps-L0qJS10 ) Rather, I think Randy Moss knows what I’m talking about. 
(VIDEO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjBxuO_vt-U )

So there you have it. If you see any of these rule changes actually take effect, a simple "Thank You" card would be much appreciated. If you want to be really nice and send a gift along with the card, it would be awesome if you could open up your wallets, take out a few dollars, and send the rest to me. And if you happen to be traveling on the highway and see a billboard advertising "Papa Jimmy's John - Next Exit," just keep driving.

Seventeen Years?!?!

Let me preface this by saying I am not a fan of hockey. In my sports viewing life, watching college football and the NBA is analogous to wild sex with Jessica Alba and the WNBA to gouging my eyes out with a plastic fork. Watching hockey, then, is somewhere in the middle, comparable to masturbating with a plastic fork while thinking about wild sex with Jessica Alba: something I do on occasion, but only if I have nothing else on my agenda.

So maybe I was wrong for pooping my pants when I heard about the seventeen-year contract between star player Ilya Kovalchuk and the New Jersey Devils. Yes, SEVENTEEN years! Apparently the NHL was a bit shocked by this as well, though, disallowing the contract when league mathematicians realized that Kovalchuk would be forty-four by the time the contract expired. To put things in perspective, the length of the contract was longer than the duration between the releases of the last of the original Star Wars movies and the first of the new versions. Seventeen years ago Kevin Durant was four years old; artists such as Ice Cube, A Tribe Called Quest, and LL Cool J had top hits; and Brett Favre was considering retirement. Needless to say, a seventeen-year contract in any sport is ridiculous, especially one as brutal as hockey. So in honor of this, for no particular reason, here are a few of my hopes and dreams for the world of sports for the next seventeen years and predictions on whether or not they will come true.

1. I'll be thirty-eight in seventeen years and I plan on having kids by then. I hope that my kids never, ever have to go through the traumatizing experience of flipping on their favorite sports channel only to find a WNBA game being broadcast. However, I think WNBA games WOULD make a great addition to Comedy Central's evening lineup.

Prediction: The odds of the WNBA lasting another seventeen years are about equal to the chance Charlie Weis gets only a salad on his next visit to Golden Corral (read: very unlikely). Still, I take no chances and say a prayer for this every night. Speaking of Charlie Weis...

2. ...I hope Notre Dame wins a football national championship in the next seventeen years. We won the year before I was born and then promptly started sucking. Since I've been alive we've had one great coach (Lou Holtz) who was robbed by the pollsters of two national championships in my first four years of life, while the others have been a semi-retard (Bob Davie); a fraud who was coach for about 24 hours (George O'Leary); Ty Willingham, who I'm still convinced was simply an accountant who won the "Notre Dame Coaching Experience" grand prize at his church's annual raffle; and Weis, who ate the team's three best players. But things will take a turn for the better under new coach Brian Kelly, right?

Prediction: Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Kelly will bring us back to the top. If that makes sense. I really have no doubt that he's the right man for the job though. He has succeeded at every single coaching stop he's made and will now have his hands on more talent than at any other point in his career. If the players buy in to what he says we could be scary good.

3. I hear Jessica Alba is married, but that can't stop me from wishing. I hope that someday, somewhere, somehow her and I end up at the same party and that she is drunk enough to mistake me for that lucky fuckstick of a husband. I'd even consider giving up my dream of a WNBA-free world in order to make this one come true.

Prediction: I doubt it. But I have a backup plan of inventing one of the machines from Inception and creating a dream that consists only of me, mattresses, two thousand horny Jessicas, and Chipotle. I think that would be pretty cool.

4. I hope that Barry Bonds admits to steroid use and/or his head explodes.

Prediction: These events are pretty much mutually exclusive. There's so much ego trying to push its way out of there that I think explosion is fairly plausible. But the only way he admits to using is if the ego subsides (meaning no combustion) or if he does so after the explosion, but at that point he'll almost certainly be incapable of admitting anything. So I'll play it safe and say there's 75% chance that one or the other happens.

5. I hope the U.S.A. wins the World Cup. Maybe it was the drama of our final round-robin game, maybe it was seeing how much the tournament meant even to the African fans who have so much more to worry about than games or maybe it was something else, but I think for the first time Americans really began to get soccer during this summer's World Cup. If this convinces a few more little guys to decide to play the sport, we should be in good shape. The reason almost every other country has a better good-soccer-player to per-capita ratio than the U.S. is because the best athletes in those countries all grow up wanting to play soccer. Here, soccer has to pick up the leftovers from basketball, football, baseball, maybe even hockey.

Prediction: Can you imagine if all of our best athletes decided to play soccer? I'm pretty positive Lebron would be unstoppable on headers, Rajon Rondo would be a brick wall goalie, Darrelle Revis would make an unbelievable outside back, and Jim Thome...well, nevermind that last one. The point is, if we can carry forward the positive public momentum gained from this year's World Cup, and the young people of America realize just what a great, global sport soccer is, more of our great athletes will play the game and I think we'll be in good shape to contend for a title. We've shown that we can play with the big boys these last few years (in 2009's Confederations Cup we beat new World Cup Champion Spain and were leading Brazil 2-0 before a seismic second-half meltdown). Now we just need the talent held by other nations. Come on down, Lebron 2.0.

So there you have it. If my happiness means anything to you I hope you'll help make my dreams come true. Now if you'll excuse me, I think there's a Jessica Alba movie on. Where the hell did I put those plastic forks...

The Easiest Job in Sports

The other day I was watching a Youtube classic, and it got me thinking. The video is that of the crazy minor league baseball manager who goes nuts, gets tossed out of the game, and then proceeds to do his best G.I. Joe impression on the field. Watch it here. What the video got me thinking was, "Why are baseball managers so willing to get ejected? Don't they want to win so that they can keep their jobs?" This transitively led to, "Isn't there a better chance of winning if they are with their team?" The answer, I decided, is no. Take a look at Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox. He is the fourth-winningest manager in baseball history. He has also been ejected 156 times (an all-time record). Clearly his presence on the bench is not needed for his team's success. The fact is, other than standing on the edge of the dugout, spitting, and grabbing their cup-covered cocks every once in a while, baseball managers don't do a whole lot. Therefore, it really doesn't matter if the manager is in the dugout. By extension, I believe they are largely irrelevant. "What?!" you cry in dismay, "baseball managers are just as important as coaches in any other sport!" Let me explain to you why this is not so.

Baseball is a simple sport, far more so than any of the other major sports in America. Now, before you stat-absorbing baseball guys freak out on me about the intricacies of the game, let me give you one simple reason why it is true: there is no time limit in baseball. The constraints of the clock in every other sport create infinitely more opportunities and reasons to strategize, making the game more complex and thereby raising the importance of the coach. Think about it. The ebb and flow of every baseball game is the same. You have nine innings, three outs per inning, and three strikes per out. The strategy remains the same at every point in the game, from the first pitch to the bottom of the ninth inning: you want to hit the ball when batting, and get batters out when in the field. There isn't much else a manager can tell his players. Sure, there is the occasional hit-and-run and suicide squeeze, but this is nothing compared to the hundreds of plays that are drawn up by coaches in football or basketball. In those sports, coaches need to have a play ready for every imaginable situation, based on the score and the time remaining in the game. They have to deal with the field position battle, foul trouble ("Kendrick Perkins picked up three fouls in the first 20 seconds, how long should I wait to put him back in?"), clock management, trick plays, player fatigue, etc. Baseball managers do not have to worry about any of these things. Historically, their biggest concern has been whether or not David Wells ate all the sunflower seeds. I am a diehard Boston Red Sox fan and our manager, Terry Francona, routinely does interviews with the broadcasters. During the game. Why? Because he has nothing else to do. This is normal in baseball, but it would be a scandal in other sports.

If there are 2.5 seconds left and the Lakers are losing to the Suns by three points, Phil Jackson needs to draw up a play to get Kobe Bryant an open look at a three. Or maybe he uses Kobe as a decoy to draw two defenders and get that stout little fuck Derek Fisher a wide open shot. Little games within the game like this occur on almost every possession. When the New England Patriots are down by four points with two minutes to go and have the ball at their own thirty yard-line, Bill Belichick needs to think several plays in advance in order to give his team the best chance to score before time runs out. He needs to think about how to move the ball down the field while still drawing up plays to get the ball to the sidelines and stop the clock. He needs to have a different play ready to get off quickly in case they can't get out of bounds. Now imagine that the St. Louis Cardinals are down by one run with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with Albert Pujols up to bat. Do you think Tony LaRussa is going to draw up some strategic way for Pujols to get his team the needed run? Shit no. He's going to spit, touch himself inappropriately, and then say "Give 'em hell, Al." That's the extent of the coaching.

Besides the issue of not being constrained by time, there is another factor that leads to baseball managers doing roughly as much work as Peter from Office Space: technically baseball is a team sport, but it is predicated almost solely on a few individual matchups. At its most fundamental level, baseball is the pitcher against the hitter. One on one. There is nothing anybody else on the team can do except watch. The batter's teammates sit in the dugout and hope he makes contact with the ball, while the players in the field react to the ball if it is hit. There is no cohesion and little teamwork. Every once in a while infielders work together to turn a double play, but that's about it. Otherwise it's just one guy running to the ball. At any one point in time there are usually six or seven players standing around and not involved in the action. Because the team works more as a collection of individuals than as one unit there is not much the manager can do in terms of coaching his team during the game. What can he tell his guys? Make sure you catch the ball? The defense looks the same every time: three outfielders, four infielders, a pitcher, and a catcher. Beyond the strikeout, there are only two ways to get the batter out: by catching the ball on the fly or throwing the runner out at the base. The players aren't idiots; they don't need to be reminded of this. In basketball, though, there are infinitely many ways to try to stop the other team from scoring. The coach can call for a full-court press; he can set up a trap; he can tell his team to leave a poor shooter open while providing help defense in the post; he can call for a double team; he can play zone to throw the offense out of sync. Every player needs to be on the same page in order for these strategies to work. The case is similar in football. The coach has a bunch of different formations to choose from. He can call for a blitz. He can have the defense hang back in pass coverage or use bump-and-run. Even these strategies can be executed in myriad different ways. In baseball, there is really only one thing for the players to do, and they don't need anybody telling them to do it.

There is one other thing that sets baseball managers apart from coaches in other sports: THEY WEAR FUCKING UNIFORMS! How ridiculous is that? Are they really worried that 17 players are going to pull their hamstrings, forcing the manager to enter the game? I don't know about you but I would have loved to see Tommy Lasorda get up to the plate and take a few swings. Come to think of it, how funny would it be if coaches in other sports wore uniforms? I think my personal favorite would be Stan van Gundy (or as I like to call him, Stan van Jeremy) in a basketball uniform. I imagine he would be able to fit into one of Glen Davis' jerseys. Or could you imagine Brad Childress' professor/sex offender self in shoulder pads?

                              Van Gundy

                                            Childress

                                                                                                          

I guess my biggest gripe is this: I am not a baseball manager. It would be the perfect job for me, as it consists of three activities that I love: watching sports, eating, and not moving. I think I'll send in my resumè to the Cubs after the season. No, I have not played baseball since fifth grade. But I think I'd be pretty good at getting tossed out of games. So I'm qualified, right?

Salary Crap

This is another post by Dave. Starting tomorrow he will be a full-time author on the blog and you won't have to read any more of these annoying shout-outs in italics.

If there is one NBA trend that I’ve grown sick of this offseason, obviously it was the incessant speculation on where Lebron would play next season. ESPN felt the need to update me every 8 seconds on who he was hanging out with last week, his thoughts on the Chicago nightlife scene, and just how big was his post-Qdoba shit (“BREAKING NEWS: Chris Broussard reports Lebron clogs bowl with massive, 3 couric log”). The worst part is that Lebron just loved all the attention. Why wouldn’t he? I love to have smoke blown up my ass, but normally that sort of thing will cost you double. Lebron was getting it for free for a week straight. Now that he’s part of the Miami BFF’s, I think the media should totally reverse the script and hound him Princess Diana-style until he is transformed into a dickish and reclusive hermit (a la Barry Bonds). That’ll teach him!

But if there were two trends that I’m now sick of, it would have to be any mention of the NBA salary cap. Analysis of this threshold goes hand in hand with free agency, so I can’t necessarily blame ESPN this time. It is definitely worthy of mention in any free agency speculation, and is probably the biggest influence in how teams shape their squads. But therein lies the problem: teams seem more interested in staying below the cap than fielding competitive teams.

The reason they are so scared of going over the salary cap ($58 mil next year) is because of the dreaded luxury tax. For every dollar spent over the cap, the team must pay one dollar in “taxes “ to the league. Thus, if you are five million over the cap, you must give David Stern five million which he will quickly hide under his mattress. Because our economy has been so shitty lately, NBA teams are more cognizant of the luxury tax than ever and avoid it like sorority girls do a drunken Roethlisberger.

You know who paid the most in luxury tax last season with over $20 million? The Lakers. You know what the Lakers just happened to do last season (besides lead the league in rap singles released)? THEY WON THE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. The Lakers do reside in one of the NBA’s biggest markets, helping them always stay near the top of the revenue earning ladder but you’d have to think always shelling out the big bucks for the best players help them capitalize on such a big market. I suppose they could be resigned to sucking ass and still collect their modest revenue (see: Clippers), but instead they realize huge gains from actually trying to field the best possible team, often throwing concern over the salary cap out the window.

Having stars on your team not only makes the team better, it increases the value of the franchise drastically and makes the owners huge profits. If the Cleveland Cavaliers were a stock right now, I would guess they would be down about 90% from when they still had Lebron. Similarly, if the New Orleans Hornets were to trade Chris Paul this summer (or anytime soon, as rumors have hinted at), their already shitty franchise’s value would plummet. Obviously, losing a player as good as CP3 is never a good basketball move, but even the immense financial relief ($15-17 million/year, plus the money would have paid in luxury taxes) the Hornets might realize from such a transaction would be counteracted by the decrease in attendance and in the league’s revenue-sharing.

Because of this salary crunch, I’ve grown accustomed to the term “expiring contract.” Whereas casual basketball fans would think that teams trade actual players for one another, the majority of trades now are done for the financial relief of one side. These trades essentially ignore any and all value a player actually has on the basketball court. The other day the Timberwolves traded Al Jefferson, one of the best post scorers in the league, to the Jazz for FUCKING NO ONE. No offense to Kousta Koufos and two shitty future first round picks (who were shipped to Minny), but how can this trade happen? The Jazz were able to do this because they had a big trade exception from losing Carlos Boozer to the Bulls in a similar deal. “What is a trade exception?” you ask. Well, fuck if I know. This trade, as well as most I see come across the bottom line, smells of bullshit to me. Pretty soon, we will see Erick Dampier traded to some cash strapped team for a pretty good player. Is this because Erick Dampier is also a pretty good player? Shit no. Dampier is about as bad at basketball as you can be for being 6’11’’ and 260 lbs. His real value lies in that he has the rare “team option” contract. Thus, the cash strapped team will trade for him, then release him and wipe his $13 million salary off the books. It’s going to happen, and the fans of the team that trades for him are going to be pissed. But this is the way the NBA works nowadays. See…

The course of a decent NBA player’s career in this day and age often goes something like this (spliced with several criminal charges of course): Get drafted, sign reasonable rookie contract, outperform contract, get overpaid in free agency, don’t live up to new contract, team and fans hate you for being overpaid, your value is inflated because you only have one year left on contract (or have nonguaranteed deal like Dampier), get traded for better young player to team that needs cap relief and can’t pay young player over several years, sign cheaper deal as “cagey veteran,” retire.

Smaller market teams are the ones that are always pussyfooting around the cap because they have lower attendance and ownership might actually be losing money. You know why you have such low attendance Mr. Billionaire Owner? Because your team is fucking terrible. I don’t know how many season tickets the Indiana Pacers sold last year, but I’m going to guess it was roughly nine. The problem is that for the most part, these owners are businessmen first and basketball fans second. They will never share the fans’ interest in winning as long as this is the case. Fans know this, and aren’t going to show up to watch a team whose management is more concerned about the bottom line than making the playoffs.

As a Suns fan, I have suffered from luxury-cap conscious ownership. They were probably the favorites to win the championship in 2004 had Joe Johnson not broken his face right before the playoffs. They had an awesome nucleus of Nash, Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, and Johnson in place that looked like it would be near the top of the league for a long time. But because of a penny-pinching owner, they don’t match the Hawks offer for Johnson, trade what would have been a top ten pick in the 2004 draft (Iguodala? Luol Deng? Al Jefferson? Who knows), then sell the draft rights to Rudy Fernandez, Nate Robinson, Marcin Gortat, and (wait for it…) Rajon Fucking Rondo in subsequent years! The Suns still came close in a couple years with overachieving teams, but they basically let a championship get away because they were so scared of paying the luxury tax. Honestly, Suns owner Robert Sarver, don’t you think the fans would pay a little more to see a highly entertaining, competitive team led by the two-time MVP? “Maybe,” Sarver thought, “ But if we failed I might lose a couple million off the trust fund Dad left me. I guess I’ll just continue to field undermanned teams over the next 6 years that can’t beat the Western Conference powers. Eventually I’ll break up the best pick and roll combo of all time by letting Amare Stoudemire walk in his prime. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fuck a model on a pile of money.”

Not all NBA teams under the cap are such big pussies. The Thunder, for example, had the third lowest payroll in the league last year and still managed to keep their fans happy with a competitive team. However, nearly all their good players were still on their low-paying, rookie contracts. The real answer to whether or not their ownership is trying to win or watch the bottom line will come when they decide whether or not to keep this promising team together. They have already signed Kevin Durant to max extension which is a good sign, but the bulk of their talented young core (Westbrook, Green, Harden, Ibaka) still need to be locked up. For the OKC fans’ sake, I hope the team is willing to spend money to make money.