Well, all my rain dancing apparently paid off because football season is upon us once again. In case you were busy Sunday, here's a quick rundown of the day's action:
Chiefs vs. Chargers: Chiefs rookie Dexter McCluster scoots further and further down the bench after offensive coordinator Charlie Weis pulls a leftover honey mustard packet out of his jacket and continually glances at him with that "Quiznos is closed for the night and I'm still hungry" look in his eye. Things only get worse after McCluster scores on a 94-yard punt return and does his celebratory chicken-wing dance.
Colts vs. Texans: Bob Sanders of the Colts decides two quarters of play sounds like just the right amount for the 2010 season, prompting him to tear his own bicep and bringing his career total to 109 minutes played in seven NFL seasons.
Cardinals vs. Rams: The Arizona Cardinals pull off quite a coup, exhuming the corpse of Derek Anderson from a Nashville cemetery on Friday, penciling him as the starter on Saturday, and watching him lead the team to victory on Sunday.
Vikings vs. Saints: Brett Favre's ass looks slightly askew when he arrives at the stadium. When asked what the deal is, Favre responds that his Wranglers "just don't sit right when I'm wearing a diaper."
Dolphins vs. Bills: The Bills' "We're Still Here" campaign for 2010 gets off to a rocky start with this 15-10 snoozer of a loss.
Bears vs. Lions: Calvin Johnson rightfully decides Week 1 is way too early for the Lions' first win of the season. Bears fans rejoice.
Raiders vs. Titans: The Titans running game looks unstoppable, with one of the all-time best runners at his position in at quarterback and the predator monster as the starting running back.
Bengals vs. Patriots: The Patriots' Wes Welker and Tom Brady give white people everywhere hope that they too can succeed in sports.
Giants vs. Panthers: Eli Manning makes a triumphant return from sobbing on the bench for two possessions with the medical diagnosis of "being a pussy" after a few mean fans start the inevitable "Pey-ton's Bet-ter" chant.
Falcons vs. Steelers: Dennis Dixon fills in admirably for Ben Roethlisberger while Roethlisberger fills in a skank in the locker room.
Browns vs. Buccaneers: NFL executives decide to just get this game out of the way and are pleasantly surprised when the Tampa Bay County Nursing Home Annual Field Trip boosts the game's attendance to 83.
Broncos vs. Jaguars: Tim Tebow accidentally loses his virginity while stuck on the bottom of the pile during a scrum for a fumble.
Packers vs. Eagles: Michael Vick escapes the pocket, and home confinement, running for over 100 yards for the ninth time in his career. Unfortunately for the Eagles, as part of Vick's punishment for dog-fighting he is forced to wear an electronic collar that will result in him exploding should he ever cross the goal line.
49ers vs. Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck battles a ferocious pass rush and rapid hair loss in a 31-6 Seattle victory.
Cowboys vs. Redskins: The Cowboys look bored in this sloppy game. Linebacker Demarcus Ware clears things up when he explains that it just isn't that fun to play in a stadium in which you can't even watch a Godzilla-sized version of yourself on instant replays.
Ravens vs. Jets: Despite Rex Ryan eating Ray "chicken fried" Rice during pregame stretching, the Ravens fight for a 10-9 win.
That's about it. Check back Tuesday for Week 2 highlights.
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