The Easiest Job in Sports

The other day I was watching a Youtube classic, and it got me thinking. The video is that of the crazy minor league baseball manager who goes nuts, gets tossed out of the game, and then proceeds to do his best G.I. Joe impression on the field. Watch it here. What the video got me thinking was, "Why are baseball managers so willing to get ejected? Don't they want to win so that they can keep their jobs?" This transitively led to, "Isn't there a better chance of winning if they are with their team?" The answer, I decided, is no. Take a look at Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox. He is the fourth-winningest manager in baseball history. He has also been ejected 156 times (an all-time record). Clearly his presence on the bench is not needed for his team's success. The fact is, other than standing on the edge of the dugout, spitting, and grabbing their cup-covered cocks every once in a while, baseball managers don't do a whole lot. Therefore, it really doesn't matter if the manager is in the dugout. By extension, I believe they are largely irrelevant. "What?!" you cry in dismay, "baseball managers are just as important as coaches in any other sport!" Let me explain to you why this is not so.

Baseball is a simple sport, far more so than any of the other major sports in America. Now, before you stat-absorbing baseball guys freak out on me about the intricacies of the game, let me give you one simple reason why it is true: there is no time limit in baseball. The constraints of the clock in every other sport create infinitely more opportunities and reasons to strategize, making the game more complex and thereby raising the importance of the coach. Think about it. The ebb and flow of every baseball game is the same. You have nine innings, three outs per inning, and three strikes per out. The strategy remains the same at every point in the game, from the first pitch to the bottom of the ninth inning: you want to hit the ball when batting, and get batters out when in the field. There isn't much else a manager can tell his players. Sure, there is the occasional hit-and-run and suicide squeeze, but this is nothing compared to the hundreds of plays that are drawn up by coaches in football or basketball. In those sports, coaches need to have a play ready for every imaginable situation, based on the score and the time remaining in the game. They have to deal with the field position battle, foul trouble ("Kendrick Perkins picked up three fouls in the first 20 seconds, how long should I wait to put him back in?"), clock management, trick plays, player fatigue, etc. Baseball managers do not have to worry about any of these things. Historically, their biggest concern has been whether or not David Wells ate all the sunflower seeds. I am a diehard Boston Red Sox fan and our manager, Terry Francona, routinely does interviews with the broadcasters. During the game. Why? Because he has nothing else to do. This is normal in baseball, but it would be a scandal in other sports.

If there are 2.5 seconds left and the Lakers are losing to the Suns by three points, Phil Jackson needs to draw up a play to get Kobe Bryant an open look at a three. Or maybe he uses Kobe as a decoy to draw two defenders and get that stout little fuck Derek Fisher a wide open shot. Little games within the game like this occur on almost every possession. When the New England Patriots are down by four points with two minutes to go and have the ball at their own thirty yard-line, Bill Belichick needs to think several plays in advance in order to give his team the best chance to score before time runs out. He needs to think about how to move the ball down the field while still drawing up plays to get the ball to the sidelines and stop the clock. He needs to have a different play ready to get off quickly in case they can't get out of bounds. Now imagine that the St. Louis Cardinals are down by one run with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with Albert Pujols up to bat. Do you think Tony LaRussa is going to draw up some strategic way for Pujols to get his team the needed run? Shit no. He's going to spit, touch himself inappropriately, and then say "Give 'em hell, Al." That's the extent of the coaching.

Besides the issue of not being constrained by time, there is another factor that leads to baseball managers doing roughly as much work as Peter from Office Space: technically baseball is a team sport, but it is predicated almost solely on a few individual matchups. At its most fundamental level, baseball is the pitcher against the hitter. One on one. There is nothing anybody else on the team can do except watch. The batter's teammates sit in the dugout and hope he makes contact with the ball, while the players in the field react to the ball if it is hit. There is no cohesion and little teamwork. Every once in a while infielders work together to turn a double play, but that's about it. Otherwise it's just one guy running to the ball. At any one point in time there are usually six or seven players standing around and not involved in the action. Because the team works more as a collection of individuals than as one unit there is not much the manager can do in terms of coaching his team during the game. What can he tell his guys? Make sure you catch the ball? The defense looks the same every time: three outfielders, four infielders, a pitcher, and a catcher. Beyond the strikeout, there are only two ways to get the batter out: by catching the ball on the fly or throwing the runner out at the base. The players aren't idiots; they don't need to be reminded of this. In basketball, though, there are infinitely many ways to try to stop the other team from scoring. The coach can call for a full-court press; he can set up a trap; he can tell his team to leave a poor shooter open while providing help defense in the post; he can call for a double team; he can play zone to throw the offense out of sync. Every player needs to be on the same page in order for these strategies to work. The case is similar in football. The coach has a bunch of different formations to choose from. He can call for a blitz. He can have the defense hang back in pass coverage or use bump-and-run. Even these strategies can be executed in myriad different ways. In baseball, there is really only one thing for the players to do, and they don't need anybody telling them to do it.

There is one other thing that sets baseball managers apart from coaches in other sports: THEY WEAR FUCKING UNIFORMS! How ridiculous is that? Are they really worried that 17 players are going to pull their hamstrings, forcing the manager to enter the game? I don't know about you but I would have loved to see Tommy Lasorda get up to the plate and take a few swings. Come to think of it, how funny would it be if coaches in other sports wore uniforms? I think my personal favorite would be Stan van Gundy (or as I like to call him, Stan van Jeremy) in a basketball uniform. I imagine he would be able to fit into one of Glen Davis' jerseys. Or could you imagine Brad Childress' professor/sex offender self in shoulder pads?

                              Van Gundy

                                            Childress

                                                                                                          

I guess my biggest gripe is this: I am not a baseball manager. It would be the perfect job for me, as it consists of three activities that I love: watching sports, eating, and not moving. I think I'll send in my resumè to the Cubs after the season. No, I have not played baseball since fifth grade. But I think I'd be pretty good at getting tossed out of games. So I'm qualified, right?

Salary Crap

This is another post by Dave. Starting tomorrow he will be a full-time author on the blog and you won't have to read any more of these annoying shout-outs in italics.

If there is one NBA trend that I’ve grown sick of this offseason, obviously it was the incessant speculation on where Lebron would play next season. ESPN felt the need to update me every 8 seconds on who he was hanging out with last week, his thoughts on the Chicago nightlife scene, and just how big was his post-Qdoba shit (“BREAKING NEWS: Chris Broussard reports Lebron clogs bowl with massive, 3 couric log”). The worst part is that Lebron just loved all the attention. Why wouldn’t he? I love to have smoke blown up my ass, but normally that sort of thing will cost you double. Lebron was getting it for free for a week straight. Now that he’s part of the Miami BFF’s, I think the media should totally reverse the script and hound him Princess Diana-style until he is transformed into a dickish and reclusive hermit (a la Barry Bonds). That’ll teach him!

But if there were two trends that I’m now sick of, it would have to be any mention of the NBA salary cap. Analysis of this threshold goes hand in hand with free agency, so I can’t necessarily blame ESPN this time. It is definitely worthy of mention in any free agency speculation, and is probably the biggest influence in how teams shape their squads. But therein lies the problem: teams seem more interested in staying below the cap than fielding competitive teams.

The reason they are so scared of going over the salary cap ($58 mil next year) is because of the dreaded luxury tax. For every dollar spent over the cap, the team must pay one dollar in “taxes “ to the league. Thus, if you are five million over the cap, you must give David Stern five million which he will quickly hide under his mattress. Because our economy has been so shitty lately, NBA teams are more cognizant of the luxury tax than ever and avoid it like sorority girls do a drunken Roethlisberger.

You know who paid the most in luxury tax last season with over $20 million? The Lakers. You know what the Lakers just happened to do last season (besides lead the league in rap singles released)? THEY WON THE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP. The Lakers do reside in one of the NBA’s biggest markets, helping them always stay near the top of the revenue earning ladder but you’d have to think always shelling out the big bucks for the best players help them capitalize on such a big market. I suppose they could be resigned to sucking ass and still collect their modest revenue (see: Clippers), but instead they realize huge gains from actually trying to field the best possible team, often throwing concern over the salary cap out the window.

Having stars on your team not only makes the team better, it increases the value of the franchise drastically and makes the owners huge profits. If the Cleveland Cavaliers were a stock right now, I would guess they would be down about 90% from when they still had Lebron. Similarly, if the New Orleans Hornets were to trade Chris Paul this summer (or anytime soon, as rumors have hinted at), their already shitty franchise’s value would plummet. Obviously, losing a player as good as CP3 is never a good basketball move, but even the immense financial relief ($15-17 million/year, plus the money would have paid in luxury taxes) the Hornets might realize from such a transaction would be counteracted by the decrease in attendance and in the league’s revenue-sharing.

Because of this salary crunch, I’ve grown accustomed to the term “expiring contract.” Whereas casual basketball fans would think that teams trade actual players for one another, the majority of trades now are done for the financial relief of one side. These trades essentially ignore any and all value a player actually has on the basketball court. The other day the Timberwolves traded Al Jefferson, one of the best post scorers in the league, to the Jazz for FUCKING NO ONE. No offense to Kousta Koufos and two shitty future first round picks (who were shipped to Minny), but how can this trade happen? The Jazz were able to do this because they had a big trade exception from losing Carlos Boozer to the Bulls in a similar deal. “What is a trade exception?” you ask. Well, fuck if I know. This trade, as well as most I see come across the bottom line, smells of bullshit to me. Pretty soon, we will see Erick Dampier traded to some cash strapped team for a pretty good player. Is this because Erick Dampier is also a pretty good player? Shit no. Dampier is about as bad at basketball as you can be for being 6’11’’ and 260 lbs. His real value lies in that he has the rare “team option” contract. Thus, the cash strapped team will trade for him, then release him and wipe his $13 million salary off the books. It’s going to happen, and the fans of the team that trades for him are going to be pissed. But this is the way the NBA works nowadays. See…

The course of a decent NBA player’s career in this day and age often goes something like this (spliced with several criminal charges of course): Get drafted, sign reasonable rookie contract, outperform contract, get overpaid in free agency, don’t live up to new contract, team and fans hate you for being overpaid, your value is inflated because you only have one year left on contract (or have nonguaranteed deal like Dampier), get traded for better young player to team that needs cap relief and can’t pay young player over several years, sign cheaper deal as “cagey veteran,” retire.

Smaller market teams are the ones that are always pussyfooting around the cap because they have lower attendance and ownership might actually be losing money. You know why you have such low attendance Mr. Billionaire Owner? Because your team is fucking terrible. I don’t know how many season tickets the Indiana Pacers sold last year, but I’m going to guess it was roughly nine. The problem is that for the most part, these owners are businessmen first and basketball fans second. They will never share the fans’ interest in winning as long as this is the case. Fans know this, and aren’t going to show up to watch a team whose management is more concerned about the bottom line than making the playoffs.

As a Suns fan, I have suffered from luxury-cap conscious ownership. They were probably the favorites to win the championship in 2004 had Joe Johnson not broken his face right before the playoffs. They had an awesome nucleus of Nash, Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, and Johnson in place that looked like it would be near the top of the league for a long time. But because of a penny-pinching owner, they don’t match the Hawks offer for Johnson, trade what would have been a top ten pick in the 2004 draft (Iguodala? Luol Deng? Al Jefferson? Who knows), then sell the draft rights to Rudy Fernandez, Nate Robinson, Marcin Gortat, and (wait for it…) Rajon Fucking Rondo in subsequent years! The Suns still came close in a couple years with overachieving teams, but they basically let a championship get away because they were so scared of paying the luxury tax. Honestly, Suns owner Robert Sarver, don’t you think the fans would pay a little more to see a highly entertaining, competitive team led by the two-time MVP? “Maybe,” Sarver thought, “ But if we failed I might lose a couple million off the trust fund Dad left me. I guess I’ll just continue to field undermanned teams over the next 6 years that can’t beat the Western Conference powers. Eventually I’ll break up the best pick and roll combo of all time by letting Amare Stoudemire walk in his prime. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fuck a model on a pile of money.”

Not all NBA teams under the cap are such big pussies. The Thunder, for example, had the third lowest payroll in the league last year and still managed to keep their fans happy with a competitive team. However, nearly all their good players were still on their low-paying, rookie contracts. The real answer to whether or not their ownership is trying to win or watch the bottom line will come when they decide whether or not to keep this promising team together. They have already signed Kevin Durant to max extension which is a good sign, but the bulk of their talented young core (Westbrook, Green, Harden, Ibaka) still need to be locked up. For the OKC fans’ sake, I hope the team is willing to spend money to make money.

WNBA 2011 Season Highlights

Ladies and gentlemen, the WNBA Finals are upon us. It's been another long, arduous, action-packed season, and I'm here to recap it for all you suckers who may have missed it.

-The one year-old daughter of Candace Parker and NBA player Shelden Williams becomes the youngest athlete to ever compete in a professional sporting event. She fills in admirably in the first half, scoring 16 points and grabbing five rebounds, but is ejected in the third quarter for repeatedly grabbing the breasts of opposing SG Diana Taurasi. During her postgame press conference the baby explains that she was simply ready for some milk.

-In the second quarter of a June 16th game against the Los Angeles Sparks, Tamika Catchings of the Indiana Fever dribbles with her left hand. The magnitude of the feat is slightly dampened when it is revealed that Catchings is, in fact, left-handed, but WNBA officials nonetheless decide to stop the game for a trophy ceremony and ten-minute standing ovation from both fans in attendance.

-July 2, 2011: Residents of Chicago learn they have a WNBA team.

-The Washington Mystics are forced to forfeit their June 9th game against the Tulsa Shock after eight players on their periods are ejected in the game's first three minutes.

-At All-Star Weekend, some girl for the Sacramento Monarchs takes home the WNBA lay-up contest with an unprecented reverse lay-up. Chamique Holdsclaw wins the bounce-pass competition.

-Don Imus is hired as the voice of the WNBA after his two predecessors are found dead in the broadcast booth, surrounded by empty alcohol bottles, painkillers, and don't-kill-myself books.

-The June 26th Monarchs/Fever game draws the highest ever TV rating for a WNBA game, nearly beating out competition such as Race to Witch Mountain, Little People Big World Season 2 Recap, and Peanut Butter: a History.

-July 9th: In the same month "Juwanna Man" is aired on TBS, basketball fan Mick Sanguardio buys the Disney Channel Original Movie Double-Teamed on Amazon.com for $14.95, doubling the projected revenue totals for WNBA-related digital entertainment. Mick is disappointed when Double-Teamed is not a basketball-themed porno, as he was hoping.

-June 14th: By the slimmest of margins, league executives vote to keep the rims at 10 feet after a compelling presentation by San Antonio Silver Star's owner Peter Holt urges the league to lower them to 6 ½.

-June 21st: The Seattle Storm's Jana Vesela shocks teammates by shaving her trademark moustache in a sign of team solidarity.

-June 17th: The New York Liberty's Ashley Houts defies the odds and finally passes her driving test.

NBA Top 5

As I recently explained in my rant about Doug Gottlieb, I always listen to Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN radio on my drive to work. A few days ago Greeny and Golic were talking about how the NBA is as top-heavy as Johnny Drama, pointing out that only eight teams have won championships in the past 30 years. This led to a discussion of how many players are capable of leading a team to a championship, which somehow ended with a debate over who is higher up on the NBA pecking order: Carmelo Anthony or Chris Paul. I see myself as a guy who loves 4 things: Friends, family, free markets, and Chris Paul. So I was clearly interested in the debate. Unfortunately, I arrived at my place of work before I heard their take on the argument so, in case you missed it too, I thought I'd hash out the NBA pecking order myself. Without further ado, the top 5 players in the NBA for next season:



1. Lebron James, SF, Miami Heat

Wow, that looks weird. It's going to take a while to get used to putting Miami Heat after Lebron's name. The people in Miami are already getting acclimated, though. Did anybody see the weird, creepy pep rally/fashion show that Bosh, James, and Wade held the other day? It was a cross between a Madonna Concert and a Wrestlemania event. I was on the edge of my seat, thinking there was about a 50/50 chance The Big Show would pop out and be introduced as the Heat's new starting center. Anyway, Lebron clearly deserves this number one spot. After the season he had locked up the Lebron/Kobe debate, but suddenly since two bad playoff games and "The Decision" a large contingent of people wants to say Lebron is a lesser player than he was a month ago. As for the playoff games, those were the first two bad playoff performances in his career. Have you seen how many poor playoff games Kobe's had? Did anybody watch game 7 of this year's Finals? The fact that Lebron's poor games caused such a stir is a testament to the fact that he has had so few of them. As for "The Decision," maybe we realized he's less of a person than we thought, but that doesn't make him any less of a player. He has put up ungodly stats across the board, led a team of also-rans to the best record in the league for two straight years, won two consecutive MVP awards, and put more butts in seats than anybody since Jordan. Look for his scoring numbers now that he has other viable scoring options around him. But having those options around him will bring the best out of Lebron, allowing him to fully utilize his playmaking ability. It's not a stretch to say he could average a triple-double. With Wade and Bosh around he should easily be able to add two assists per game to his average of 8.6 from last season. If he sacrifices some of his patented run-outs in favor of staying in the paint to rebound (something he'll be able to do since Dwayne Wade can take over the run-outs on the fast break) he could honestly lead the league in rebounding. Plus, at 25 years old, he's just entering his prime. The next 3-4 years should be the best basketball we've seen from Lebron James.



2. Dwyane Wade, SG, Miami Heat

I might take a lot of heat (pun intended) for this one, as most of the other experts out there would have a certain Laker in this spot, but all year I've had Wade ahead of Kobe in my rankings and I certainly think that next year he will be the better player. Like Lebron, DWade is in the prime of his career and will be playing with the best supporting cast he's ever had. For a lot of guys this wouldn't matter but DWade is an extremely underrated playmaker, averaging 6.6 assists per game for his career. Plus, his crazy athleticism will absolutely shine on the fast break with Lebron. While he's not a deadly shooter like Kobe, he can get to the rim (and the foul line) better than anybody in the league. Combine this with great perimeter defense, and I give the slight edge to DWade based on his playmaking ability.


3. Kobe Bryant, SG, Los Angeles Lakers

For much of this past season, and the first round of the playoffs, Kobe looked like he had fallen out of the top 5 of the league's best players. He lacked lift and elevation on his shots and was struggling to get to the rim. He wasn't explosive, and he wasn't the Kobe we all knew. Then he got rested, got healthy, and got tired of the criticism and went on one of the greatest playoff runs we've seen in a long time. He basically told the Jazz, Suns and Celtics to "bend over and take it like a 19 year-old Colorado hotel worker." After the subpar performance against the Thunder in Round One he averaged about 31, 7, and 6 through the rest of the postseason (for those of you keeping track, Lebron put up similar numbers for the entire season). Kobe is still the best clutch player in the league, still a great defender, and still has one of the most well-rounded offensive games we've seen in a long time. But lately he has tended to disappear for long stretches, and when he's been frustrated all game and still tries to take over in the fourth quarter he ends up taking more shots than Amy Winehouse on New Year's Eve. Sometimes they go in, sometimes they don't, but usually they are ill-advised. And going forward his age/health will be issues. For this reason Kobe is no longer in the top 2 players in the league.



4. Chris Paul, PG, New Orleans Hornets

Hold on a second...Let me clean myself off and get a new pair of boxers......OK I'm ready to go. I LOVE Chris Paul. I'm not gay so I can't say I'd do ANYTHING for him, but I'd definitely take him out for a nice seafood dinner followed by a relaxing back rub. A lot of NBA analysts pencil Dwight Howard in as the number 4 player in the league, but I don't see it. Yes, he's a freak athlete. But at this point in his career it's looking like Howard will never be a great offensive player, and that's disappointing given his physique (again, not gay) and potential. So back to Paul (Video Alert: watch this to see how he feels about some people who say Howard is the better player). In my mind the guy is the perfect point guard: he's a floor leader, he dictates the pace of the game, he's freakishly quick, he scores, he passes, he creates easy shots for his teammates, he has sick handles, and he's basically unguardable. Oh, and he is always one of the league leaders in steals. His game is basically a combination of the best attributes of Steve Nash and Allen Iverson. Without the assault charges. If he wanted to he could score 27 points a game, as he can get to the rim at will and also shoots threes at 35% for his career. But he does his best to get his teamates involved and win games, which is why he boasts career averages of 20-10-5, putting him in third place all-time in assists per game. The guys ahead of him? Magic Johnson and John Stockton. Assuming last year's knee injury was a fluke, I look for Paul to come out next year and definitively reclaim the crown of League's Best Point Guard from Deron Williams. With the emergence of Darren Collison on the Hornets in Paul's absence last year, there's a chance he'll be traded to a better team. If so, expect CP3 to have a seamless transition, as he is one of the rare players who instantly improves everyone around him.

5a & 5b. Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant

OK, so I cheated. I couldn't decide which guy to put in this spot and here's why: right now I give Carmelo a very slight edge based on his offensive rebounding ability. But I also think that by some point during the next season Durant will surpass him as the better all-around player. I really love both these guys and think either of them can win an MVP (especially since Lebron's stats should take a small hit in Miami) and/or a championship as the best player on his team. So here's what I'm going to do: I'll make a case for both Carmelo and Durant and then let you decide who you would take.
 Let's start with Carmelo. He's an incredibly strong player, and he's also a vastly underrated athlete. He can score from anywhere on the court, whether that be posting up, driving to the rim, hitting the mid-range jumper, or stepping back and shooting the three. He also shoots a ton of free throws. Defensively he's not really a liability or an asset. Rebounding is where he currently has an edge over Durant, especially on the offensive end: Carmelo uses his strength to dominate down low and scores a lot of second chance points that no player at his position has any business getting. He comes up big when he needs to; who can forget him outdueling Lebron last year? His main problem is that he sometimes gets lazy, probably a result of smoking far too much weed for his own good. I mean, just look at the players around him. J.R. Smith? Kenyon Martin? Birdman? The current roster gives a whole new meaning to the team name "Nuggets."
Now for Durant. First off, let me say that I hate the nickname "Durantula." It just creeps me out. So that's the first thing KD has to fix. After that, though, there's not much to dislike. He's made vast improvements in every area of his game since college. He improved his scoring average by 5 points per game from year one to year two, then did it again from year two to year three. He led the league in scoring at age 21. There's no reason to think he won't do so again next year, with an even higher average. He's an absolute matchup nightmare: almost seven feet tall with range out to thirty feet, handles like a guard, and posts up like a power forward. Plus, he can get his shot off on absolutely anybody with his quick release. Did I even mention that he got to the free throw line more than anyone else in the league last season (and made 90 percent of his attempts)? And while he has room to improve as a rebounder, he did average nearly eight per game last season. If he really tries as a rebounder I think he'll be a 30 and 10 guy. When he comes back next season with ten added pounds of muscle I really don't see how anybody will hold him under those numbers. It's been a long time since we've seen somebody 6'10" and this athletic. The only thing keeping him from being higher on this list is that he has not yet shown the ability to raise the game of his teammates the way Paul, Lebron, DWade and Kobe (to a certain extent) do. But I believe that will come in the next couple years, maybe even next season.
You know what, after writing this, I've made my decision: I'm taking Durant over Carmelo for next year. Shots all around.

The All-Ninja Turtles Team

This post was done in collaboration with my good friend and fellow poet, Dave. In fact, he wrote almost the entire thing. Look for more from him here in the near future, and be sure to check out his book, 101 Places to Piss Before You Die, in bookstores September 16.

Like any child of the 90’s, there are certain pop culture images and icons that have been burned into my brain. Even as the celebrities of that decade decline into the twilights of their careers, I still see and define them by their one, iconic role. I will always think of AC Slater before I think of Mario Lopez, no matter how famous that dimply fuck gets from “America’s Best Cocksuckers who also happen to Dance.” Likewise, no matter how many feeble attempts Bob Saget makes at regaining relevance with his rather whorish Entourage cameos and celebrity roasts, I will always remember him as the lovable Danny Tanner. I defy anyone to spot Dave Coulier sorting through garbage at a local underpass and not think to themselves “is that Joey Gladstone?”



One group of characters stand above all others in my memory though. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were already beloved when they only existed in cartoon form, but their live action film debut was pretty much the Kennedy Assassination of my generation. Everyone knows where they were when they first saw it (or at least I do). Those movies are still really good, but when they were just coming out, holy shit it was like a crack epidemic for 10 year olds. The original film would have been the highest grossing film in history up to that point had the majority of the movie-goers not been crazed children who got discounted tickets. I, like most other kids that weren’t mouth-breathing weirdos, had to accumulate as many turtle action figures and as much turtle paraphernalia as possible to sate my fix.


While much of my collection has been lost or damaged, I am still reminded of these wonderful creatures on occasion when I see a turtle lookalike on TV. Its not too hard to try and look like a Ninja turtle (round, bald head, muscular physique, etc.), but the resemblance between these athletes and those crime-fighting reptiles is downright scary.



Thus… The ALL-NINJA TURTLE TEAM:

Mike Singletary (49ers head coach): 

Singletary is the most turtlish of the group in my opinion. The beady eyes, the round head, I would be surpised to find out if he didn’t actually have a shell. Outside of looking like a turtle and being a Hall of Fame linebacker in his playing days, he is also famous for pulling down his pants at halftime of his head coaching debut. I imagine the exchange went something like this… “You guys are playing like a bunch of assholes! And in case I’m not being clear as to what an asshole looks like (unbuckles pants)…” you get the idea.

Jadakiss (hip hop artist):

Like the turtles, Jadakiss is frequently getting into tussles with his enemies. One such tussle was between him and Bill O’Reilly after Jada included anti-Bush 9/11 comments in his song “Why?”. The setting of the turtles’ adventures and O’Reilly’s hometown? New York City. Their enemy: the Foot. What does O’Reilly have? Feet. Coincidence?

Julius / Thomas Jones (NFL RBs):

I couldn’t decide which Jones brother looked more like a turtle, so I included both. Given their strength and agility, combined with their clearly turtlean genes, I think it’s fair to assume they are the offspring of Raphael and April O’Neal. The sexual tension between the two was palpable, not to mention the Jones’s share his feisty demeanor. Additionally, the oft-injured brothers often find themselves on their backs on the field and unable to get up. Just like, you guessed it, crime fighters.

Leonard Henry (former NFL RB):

This is the most obscure Turtle lookalike, but I think he qualifies. I remember watching this guy at East Carolina and immediately thinking he should add an “O” to his first name to embrace his turtleness. Rumor has it that Henry couldn’t keep himself in shape once entering the league. His guilty pleasure? Pizza.

Vince Carter and Anthony Johnson (Orlando Magic SG and PG)

When Vince Carter was traded to the Orlando Magic last offseason I practically creamed myself with joy. Not because I have a rooting interest in Carter, and not because I'm another SG in the NBA Southeast who just realized that now when playing the Magic I would be guarded by someone only slightly better at defense than Stephen Hawking. I was excited because the Magic would now have the NBA's only all-turtle backcourt. In fact, Johnson actually has a special jersey designed to hide his shell. It's pretty obvious, though, as he is always slightly hunched, and his complete lack of a neck would seem to indicate turtle status.

Bonus lookalike:

Splinter and Mike Krzyzewski

 

 

 

The Worst Thing in Sports

Hey kids, I'd like to take a few hundred words to sound off on one of the biggest atrocities in sports.  I'm not talking about the DH or 10 P.M. start times. I'm not even talking about the WNBA. No, I'm referring to the worst talking head to currently invade the airwaves and your living rooms: ESPN's Doug Gottlieb. I somehow got a real 8-5 job this summer and every morning I look forward to listening to Mike and Mike on ESPN radio as I drive to work. And every evening I dread the ride home, when I have to listen to Gottlieb yelling at me and repeating phrases like "You can't be a college athlete and a pro at the same time...You can't. You just can't" three times in forty seconds. Well no shit Doug, thanks for the splendid analysis.

A few weeks ago I was driving home and Gottlieb said something so dumb that I almost pooped my pants and crashed my car at the same time. He was angry about some facet of his life (not unusual for him) and tried to call it "an abomination" but, with his limited speaking skills it came out as "that is such an abortion." Realizing his mistake a few seconds later he tried to cover it up by saying "Well, not an abortion in the traditional sense, but, you know, it's bad..." followed by the classic voice trail-off when one doesn't know what one is saying. He ended up attempting to rationalize his abortion analogy for about a minute, then finished his argument with this unmerited, deuche-filled confidence, as if he were Aristotle and just figured out the meaning of life.

Quick tangent: speaking of ESPN people, does anyone else think Jesse Palmer is just a huge bro? First off, the guy's NFL career failed. So he became a contestant on the bachelor. That's not why I think he's kind of a tool; I'm probably just jealous that he got paid to bang random hotties for a month or so. But if you listen to him on the air, he seems like such a bro. Maybe he's actually good at his job, but whenever he speaks I just imagine he's saying something to the tune of this: "Hey man, Carson Palmer is not my brother. Look at my face, bro. Perfect 10. Hair? 11. You think Carson looks like this? That is whack bro. Back when I was collar-popping at the frat, I got my D-stick wet ALL THE TIME."  Fuckin' sick, bro.

Ok, back to Gottlieb being a penis. Here are a few more reasons to loathe him/punch him in the balls if you see him on the street. Ever notice how he seems to rip Notre Dame every chance he gets? And, unlike Mark May, he's not holding a grudge against the school because they fired a terrible coach who preferred playing golf to going to work and who just happened to be black (his name rhymes with Lie Billingham). No, check out this little-known fact: Gottlieb is pissed because he was kicked out of Notre Dame. FOR STEALING CREDIT CARDS. The guy is a criminal. I can't believe he is allowed to be on ESPN. Apparently neither can his coworkers; Gottlieb is incredibly unprofessional, even right on the Sportscenter set. He routinely rips college athletes (a professional no-no) on the air. He'll say things like "This guy is really one of the worst players in the country," which prompts the Sportscenter anchors to stare at him incredulously like they are Mike Myers and Gottlieb is Kanye West. The guy absolutely is in the top five of my mountain list: people who, if the two of us were alone on top of a mountain, I would push off without hesitation. Other mountain-listers include Rich Rodriguez, the aforementioned Mark May, Al Sharpton, and the current State Farm commercial guy.

Anyway, I need a break; I can't think about Gottlieb for this long without starting to get thoughts about wanting to go play in a microwave. I mean, the guy is just such an abortion.

The Lebron Show

If you are among the millions of people who consider themselves a fan of sports - or soap operas, or cheap reality TV for that matter - then you probably watched last night as Lebron James made the decision to ditch the Midwest for Miami. And unless you're a fan of the Heat you probably were left thinking one thing: "Wow, I had no idea Lebron was such a dick." Look, the fact that he left Cleveland is not the problem. Relationships end all the time. The Lebron/Cleveland relationship was a bit like the one between John Goodman and his toilet - one side clearly had the better end of the deal. So you can't blame the guy for wanting to get out of town. People in Cleveland were never going to forgive him for leaving no matter how he did it (however unfair that might be) but by choosing to make the announcement in the demeaning and selfish fashion that he did, Lebron alienated himself to the entire nation. He instantly went from one of the NBA's most popular players to surpassing Kobe as public enemy number one.

Perhaps Lebron can be partially justified if the reports that Delonte West was pounding his mom during the season are actually true. I'd be bitter about that too. Yet even so, there was no excuse for Lebron pulling an on-air break-up. He was the passive-aggressive version of this guy:

The King has lost the respect of his people, and no matter what he does going forward he may never regain the power he once held.


One other aspect of the Lebron Special is worth noting. I was watching the show with a few friends, just shooting the shit and talking about how much we all despise Stuart Scott. I got up to get a drink and when I returned to the TV a preview for the upcoming movie Predators was on. After a few seconds I noticed that the predator monster was wearing a basketball jersey. A few seconds after that it dawned on me that this was not a preview but rather the "The Decision," and that the predator monster was actually Chris Bosh. I mean, the guy is a spitting image:

Since Lebron's announcement, sportstalk has shifted focus to the lack of talent the Heat will be able to afford to put around the new Big Three, and rightfully so. You know you're strapped for cash when Johan Petro is too expensive. So I say they just round up a few of Mr. Bosh's predator kin and throw them out there on the court. As Will Ferrell says on SNL while playing Harry Caray: "With his size and strength, I think the predator monster would make a pretty good ballplayer." Bosh's performance will determine whether or not he was right.

In the end, this whole situation comes down to the Big Three sacking up and living up to the hype. It's becoming evident that they are going to have more pressure on them than any other threesome in history (unless Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jameson and Mandingo have a video out there I don't know about). Lebron's reputation is already damaged, and if he can't win a few titles in Miami his legacy will be the next to go. Bosh has the weight of an entire non-human species on his shoulders. And he didn't exactly leave Toronto on good terms, whoring himself out to potential suitors for months while he was still on the Raptors' roster, kind of like a husband or wife sleeping around even before the divorce papers are filed. And Dwyane Wade will be forever second-guessed for not signing with his hometown Chicago Bulls if he can't win in Miami even after bringing in two of the league's elite players. If they do win it all, these guys are lucky South Beach has such a party scene. Because they won't be welcome anywhere else.