The Lebron Show

If you are among the millions of people who consider themselves a fan of sports - or soap operas, or cheap reality TV for that matter - then you probably watched last night as Lebron James made the decision to ditch the Midwest for Miami. And unless you're a fan of the Heat you probably were left thinking one thing: "Wow, I had no idea Lebron was such a dick." Look, the fact that he left Cleveland is not the problem. Relationships end all the time. The Lebron/Cleveland relationship was a bit like the one between John Goodman and his toilet - one side clearly had the better end of the deal. So you can't blame the guy for wanting to get out of town. People in Cleveland were never going to forgive him for leaving no matter how he did it (however unfair that might be) but by choosing to make the announcement in the demeaning and selfish fashion that he did, Lebron alienated himself to the entire nation. He instantly went from one of the NBA's most popular players to surpassing Kobe as public enemy number one.

Perhaps Lebron can be partially justified if the reports that Delonte West was pounding his mom during the season are actually true. I'd be bitter about that too. Yet even so, there was no excuse for Lebron pulling an on-air break-up. He was the passive-aggressive version of this guy:

The King has lost the respect of his people, and no matter what he does going forward he may never regain the power he once held.


One other aspect of the Lebron Special is worth noting. I was watching the show with a few friends, just shooting the shit and talking about how much we all despise Stuart Scott. I got up to get a drink and when I returned to the TV a preview for the upcoming movie Predators was on. After a few seconds I noticed that the predator monster was wearing a basketball jersey. A few seconds after that it dawned on me that this was not a preview but rather the "The Decision," and that the predator monster was actually Chris Bosh. I mean, the guy is a spitting image:

Since Lebron's announcement, sportstalk has shifted focus to the lack of talent the Heat will be able to afford to put around the new Big Three, and rightfully so. You know you're strapped for cash when Johan Petro is too expensive. So I say they just round up a few of Mr. Bosh's predator kin and throw them out there on the court. As Will Ferrell says on SNL while playing Harry Caray: "With his size and strength, I think the predator monster would make a pretty good ballplayer." Bosh's performance will determine whether or not he was right.

In the end, this whole situation comes down to the Big Three sacking up and living up to the hype. It's becoming evident that they are going to have more pressure on them than any other threesome in history (unless Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jameson and Mandingo have a video out there I don't know about). Lebron's reputation is already damaged, and if he can't win a few titles in Miami his legacy will be the next to go. Bosh has the weight of an entire non-human species on his shoulders. And he didn't exactly leave Toronto on good terms, whoring himself out to potential suitors for months while he was still on the Raptors' roster, kind of like a husband or wife sleeping around even before the divorce papers are filed. And Dwyane Wade will be forever second-guessed for not signing with his hometown Chicago Bulls if he can't win in Miami even after bringing in two of the league's elite players. If they do win it all, these guys are lucky South Beach has such a party scene. Because they won't be welcome anywhere else.