The All-Ninja Turtles Team

This post was done in collaboration with my good friend and fellow poet, Dave. In fact, he wrote almost the entire thing. Look for more from him here in the near future, and be sure to check out his book, 101 Places to Piss Before You Die, in bookstores September 16.

Like any child of the 90’s, there are certain pop culture images and icons that have been burned into my brain. Even as the celebrities of that decade decline into the twilights of their careers, I still see and define them by their one, iconic role. I will always think of AC Slater before I think of Mario Lopez, no matter how famous that dimply fuck gets from “America’s Best Cocksuckers who also happen to Dance.” Likewise, no matter how many feeble attempts Bob Saget makes at regaining relevance with his rather whorish Entourage cameos and celebrity roasts, I will always remember him as the lovable Danny Tanner. I defy anyone to spot Dave Coulier sorting through garbage at a local underpass and not think to themselves “is that Joey Gladstone?”



One group of characters stand above all others in my memory though. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were already beloved when they only existed in cartoon form, but their live action film debut was pretty much the Kennedy Assassination of my generation. Everyone knows where they were when they first saw it (or at least I do). Those movies are still really good, but when they were just coming out, holy shit it was like a crack epidemic for 10 year olds. The original film would have been the highest grossing film in history up to that point had the majority of the movie-goers not been crazed children who got discounted tickets. I, like most other kids that weren’t mouth-breathing weirdos, had to accumulate as many turtle action figures and as much turtle paraphernalia as possible to sate my fix.


While much of my collection has been lost or damaged, I am still reminded of these wonderful creatures on occasion when I see a turtle lookalike on TV. Its not too hard to try and look like a Ninja turtle (round, bald head, muscular physique, etc.), but the resemblance between these athletes and those crime-fighting reptiles is downright scary.



Thus… The ALL-NINJA TURTLE TEAM:

Mike Singletary (49ers head coach): 

Singletary is the most turtlish of the group in my opinion. The beady eyes, the round head, I would be surpised to find out if he didn’t actually have a shell. Outside of looking like a turtle and being a Hall of Fame linebacker in his playing days, he is also famous for pulling down his pants at halftime of his head coaching debut. I imagine the exchange went something like this… “You guys are playing like a bunch of assholes! And in case I’m not being clear as to what an asshole looks like (unbuckles pants)…” you get the idea.

Jadakiss (hip hop artist):

Like the turtles, Jadakiss is frequently getting into tussles with his enemies. One such tussle was between him and Bill O’Reilly after Jada included anti-Bush 9/11 comments in his song “Why?”. The setting of the turtles’ adventures and O’Reilly’s hometown? New York City. Their enemy: the Foot. What does O’Reilly have? Feet. Coincidence?

Julius / Thomas Jones (NFL RBs):

I couldn’t decide which Jones brother looked more like a turtle, so I included both. Given their strength and agility, combined with their clearly turtlean genes, I think it’s fair to assume they are the offspring of Raphael and April O’Neal. The sexual tension between the two was palpable, not to mention the Jones’s share his feisty demeanor. Additionally, the oft-injured brothers often find themselves on their backs on the field and unable to get up. Just like, you guessed it, crime fighters.

Leonard Henry (former NFL RB):

This is the most obscure Turtle lookalike, but I think he qualifies. I remember watching this guy at East Carolina and immediately thinking he should add an “O” to his first name to embrace his turtleness. Rumor has it that Henry couldn’t keep himself in shape once entering the league. His guilty pleasure? Pizza.

Vince Carter and Anthony Johnson (Orlando Magic SG and PG)

When Vince Carter was traded to the Orlando Magic last offseason I practically creamed myself with joy. Not because I have a rooting interest in Carter, and not because I'm another SG in the NBA Southeast who just realized that now when playing the Magic I would be guarded by someone only slightly better at defense than Stephen Hawking. I was excited because the Magic would now have the NBA's only all-turtle backcourt. In fact, Johnson actually has a special jersey designed to hide his shell. It's pretty obvious, though, as he is always slightly hunched, and his complete lack of a neck would seem to indicate turtle status.

Bonus lookalike:

Splinter and Mike Krzyzewski