Ladies and gentlemen, the WNBA Finals are upon us. It's been another long, arduous, action-packed season, and I'm here to recap it for all you suckers who may have missed it.
-The one year-old daughter of Candace Parker and NBA player Shelden Williams becomes the youngest athlete to ever compete in a professional sporting event. She fills in admirably in the first half, scoring 16 points and grabbing five rebounds, but is ejected in the third quarter for repeatedly grabbing the breasts of opposing SG Diana Taurasi. During her postgame press conference the baby explains that she was simply ready for some milk.
-In the second quarter of a June 16th game against the Los Angeles Sparks, Tamika Catchings of the Indiana Fever dribbles with her left hand. The magnitude of the feat is slightly dampened when it is revealed that Catchings is, in fact, left-handed, but WNBA officials nonetheless decide to stop the game for a trophy ceremony and ten-minute standing ovation from both fans in attendance.
-July 2, 2011: Residents of Chicago learn they have a WNBA team.
-The Washington Mystics are forced to forfeit their June 9th game against the Tulsa Shock after eight players on their periods are ejected in the game's first three minutes.
-At All-Star Weekend, some girl for the Sacramento Monarchs takes home the WNBA lay-up contest with an unprecented reverse lay-up. Chamique Holdsclaw wins the bounce-pass competition.
-Don Imus is hired as the voice of the WNBA after his two predecessors are found dead in the broadcast booth, surrounded by empty alcohol bottles, painkillers, and don't-kill-myself books.
-The June 26th Monarchs/Fever game draws the highest ever TV rating for a WNBA game, nearly beating out competition such as Race to Witch Mountain, Little People Big World Season 2 Recap, and Peanut Butter: a History.
-July 9th: In the same month "Juwanna Man" is aired on TBS, basketball fan Mick Sanguardio buys the Disney Channel Original Movie Double-Teamed on Amazon.com for $14.95, doubling the projected revenue totals for WNBA-related digital entertainment. Mick is disappointed when Double-Teamed is not a basketball-themed porno, as he was hoping.
-June 14th: By the slimmest of margins, league executives vote to keep the rims at 10 feet after a compelling presentation by San Antonio Silver Star's owner Peter Holt urges the league to lower them to 6 ½.
-June 21st: The Seattle Storm's Jana Vesela shocks teammates by shaving her trademark moustache in a sign of team solidarity.
-June 17th: The New York Liberty's Ashley Houts defies the odds and finally passes her driving test.
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